


Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough, Stan Uris and Eddie Kaspbrak Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions.

by BayleyWinchester



Series: Richie + Eddie Become Gay Icons™ (it's weird but Richie loves it) [3]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Comedian Richie Tozier, Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, Established Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Internet, Interviews, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Stanley Uris Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21797284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BayleyWinchester/pseuds/BayleyWinchester
Summary: Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough, Stan Uris and Eddie Kaspbrak Answer the Internet's Most Searched Questions | WIREDWIRED6.7 Million Views                                 93K likes | 5K dislikes8,991 CommentsRichie Tozier ("Richie Tozier: Coming Clean"), Bill Denbrough (“Dark Rapids”), Stanley Uris and Eddie Kaspbrak answer the web’s most searched questions about themselves. Why is Stanley here? Do Richie and Bill like each other? Does Eddie actually love Richie?
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie + Eddie Become Gay Icons™ (it's weird but Richie loves it) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560019
Comments: 29
Kudos: 875





	Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough, Stan Uris and Eddie Kaspbrak Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions.

**Author's Note:**

> Some other losers have entered this series! They're all in the next one ...

Transcript - Unedited. [It’s going to be a long video and a lot of beeping]

 **Bill** \- Hey, I’m Bill.

 **Eddie** \- I’m Eddie. 

**Stan** \- I’m Stan. 

**Richie** \- and I am Richie Tozier! And you are watching us answer questions that you’ve asked. From the internet which is fun. I’m excited to know what you guys are googling about us, what questions do you have for us to answer? 

**Stan** \- I want to know why you’re googling me because I am not famous. 

**Eddie** \- Same. 

**Stan** \- Please don’t google me. 

**Bill** \- Richie and I, however. We are also friends with Beverly Marsh and Ben Hanscome who are famous, and Mike is not but should be. We wanted them here but the three of them are currently on holiday in London, together, and we weren’t invited. So the four of us are here. 

**Richie** \- Core four. We were the original losers. No friends.

 **Eddie** \- Aside from the four of us. 

**Bill** \- Yeah, you had friends. But that’s not why we’re here. 

**Eddie** \- We are here because we are answering questions about ourselves. 

**Stan** \- There is no reason for me to be here. 

**Richie** \- Let’s start with Stan. [The first board is handed to Stan]. I’m excited to learn about my friend. 

**Stan** \- You’re such an idiot. [Stan shakes his head but is smiling fondly at Richie]. Is Stanley Uris? Yes. Is Stanley Uris dead? Uh, no? 

**Eddie** \- Why would they think you’re dead. 

**Bill** \- How many people had to google that for it to even come up? 

**Stan** \- I’m not dead, just pale. Is Stanley Uris Jewish? I am. 

**Richie** \- Has been for a long time. 

**Stan** \- I am Jewish and I did swear during my bar mitzvah. 

**Bill** \- Oh yeah, I forgot about that. 

**Eddie** \- Didn’t you storm out? 

**Stan** \- Yup. 

**Richie** \- [Said in a passable imitation of Stan:] “I’m a loser and I always will be.” It was amazing. I gave him a standing ovation and my mom dragged me back down. It did get a bit awkward once he left but I have no filter so I just laughed throughout his dad stuttering about rebel pre-teens. 

**Stan** \- Wish I had seen it. Okay, is Stanley Uris non-binary? Nope, I am not. 

[Eddie is handed a board]

 **Richie** \- It’s my baby’s turn! Fuck it up, Eds. 

**Eddie** \- Thank you, Rich. Is Eddie Kasprabk alive? Yeah, I am. I wasn’t for a bit but I’m back now. 

**Bill** \- It was touch and go for a while. 

**Richie** \- Yeah, I cried a lot. Do you have any advice for people so they don’t legally die? 

**Eddie** \- Don’t get stabbed. 

**Stan** \- Perfect. 

**Eddie** \- Is Eddie Kaspbrak bisexual? I am not, fully gay. I was just married to a woman because of like, internalized homophobia and stuff. Is Eddie Kaspbrak with Richie Tozier?

 **Richie** \- He is. 

**Eddie** \- Sadly. 

**Stan** \- But not surprisingly. 

**Bill** \- We all called it when we were about fifteen. 

**Richie** \- We thought we were subtle. 

**Stan** \- You - you thought you were being subtle? You used to share a hammock that hardly fit one person and slept over at each other’s houses constantly. How is that subtle? 

**Richie** \- Well considering I’ve been in love with him since I was five I was subtle for ten years. So, there.

 **Stan** \- Alright, that’s fair.

 **Eddie** \- Is Eddie Kasprak Jewish? I am not. Stan’s the Jewish one. I was the gay one.

 **Bill** \- What was I?

 **Eddie** \- The stutterer, Richie was the annoying trashmouth.

 **Richie** \- Thanks, darling.

[A board is passed to Bill]

 **Bill** \- Is Bill Denbrough? Let’s find out. Is Bill Denbrough writing? Now? No. In general? Yes. 

**Richie** \- Why aren’t you writing right now? Do your job. 

**Stan** \- You should be being funny then, right? That’s your job. 

**Eddie** \- It is, but I can’t figure out why it is. 

**Stan** \- Richie has never said a funny thing in his life. 

**Bill** \- That’s true. 

**Richie** \- Slander and hate. I make them laugh all the time. 

**Stan** \- Laughing at you doesn’t count. 

**Richie** \- Bill, continue before I start to cry. 

**Bill** \- Is Bill Denbrough friends with Richie Tozier? Yes, even if I don’t act like it. We’re besties for life, as he said yesterday. 

**Richie** \- We are. 

**Bill** \- Is Bill Denbrough from Derry? I am, Child Murder Captial of America so you can see why I write horror books. Good questions, guys. 

[Richie is handed a board, proceeds to flip it, it falls to the ground beside Stan who sighs as he picks it up and hands it back to Richie]

 **Richie** \- Is Richie Tozier gay? Sorry to all the ladies out there but yes, I am. Have been for a while as well. Even if I pretended not to be. Internalized homophobia. [He high fives with a reluctant but smiling Eddie]. Is Richie Tozier Jewish? Why do you guys think that all of us are Jewish, aside from Bill? Do Eds and I give off Jewish vibes? 

**Stan** \- No, you don’t. 

**Richie** \- Well apparently I do. [Stan looks directly into the camera and shakes his head, both Eddie and Bill laugh]. Whatever, is Richie Tozier smart? Yeah, I guess. 

**Bill** \- Richie was valedictorian of our class, graduated top of his college class with his degree in theatre and political science and can remember anything better than anyone I know. 

**Stan** \- I don’t think he got less than 95 on a test or assignment. 

**Richie** \- I hate this. 

**Eddie** \- Rich is very smart, has been since we were kids. He’s also an idiot but that’s not the same thing. 

**Richie** \- Gross. Everyone shut up. I only like it when people praise me for things I want. 

**Stan** \- Bonus fact about Richie is that he has a praise kink. 

**Richie** \- I do, and I am not ashamed about that. 

**Eddie** \- I am. 

**Bill** \- Yet -

 **Eddie** \- Shut up, Bill.

 **Richie** \- Yeah, Bill, shut up. Poor, Eds. Moving on! I think we’re back to Stan the Man. 

[A board is handed to Stan]

 **Stan** \- Why is Richie Tozier and Stan Uris friends? Good question, he attached himself to me and we became friends. I was never able to shake him. 

**Eddie** \- That’s what he does to everyone. 

**Richie** \- And I had six friends so I’m winning. 

**Stan** \- Why is Bill Denbrough and Stan Uris friends? We had no choice but to be friends because Richie was my friend and Eddie was Bill’s friend and then Richie decided that he was going to spend all of his time with Eddie so I started hanging out with Bill. 

**Bill** \- I am really glad that my best friend is only friends with me because Richie liked to annoy Eddie. 

**Stan** \- It’s because Bill is funny, kind and magnetic and I love him.

 **Richie** \- Wow, okay. 

**Stan** \- Why does Stan Uris accountant? Whoever wrote these questions has an amazing grasp of the English language. 

**Richie** \- But why do you, accountant? 

**Stan** \- Because I liked maths and it pays well. 

**Richie** \- He’s gotta spoil, Patty. 

**Bill** \- He does spoil her. 

**Stan** \- It’s because I love her. 

**Eddie** \- She deserves it. 

**Richie** \- I love her too. 

**Eddie** \- She doesn’t deserve that. 

**Stan** \- For some reason that I can’t explain my wife and Richie get along very well. 

**Richie** \- It’s those Jewish vibes.

[Stan hits Richie in the head with his finished board. Another board is passed to Eddie while Richie pouts at Stan and Stan laughs]

 **Eddie** \- Eddie Kasprak Wife. Myra? That’s not a question so I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer it. 

**Richie** \- Ex-wife. 

**Eddie** \- Nearly. We’re working on it. 

**Bill** \- It’s the only reason they haven’t eloped yet. 

**Richie** \- I would have married Eds in that hospital. 

**Eddie** \- I’m not getting married in a hospital. They’re so fucking dirty. 

[Both Stan and Bill snicker at the love-struck look that Richie gives Eddie]

 **Stan** \- Subtle. 

**Eddie** \- My soon to be ex-wife is not as bad as Richie likes to make her out. He’s just jealous that I married her. 

**Richie** \- Oh I am absolutely jealous that you married her but that doesn’t mean that I am exaggerating when I talk about her. Doesn’t matter though, she took your marriage virginity but I will take your gay wedding virginity. And she can’t get gay married to you. 

**Eddie** \- No, she can’t. Okay, Eddie Kasprak and Richie Tozier relationship goals. That’s what people are searching about me? Really? It’s not even a question!

 **Richie** \- We are goals. I don’t really know what that means. 

**Stan** \- It means people want to be like you. 

**Bill** \- Why would anyone want to be like them? 

**Stan** \- No idea. 

**Richie** \- More importantly, why do you know what that means? You only just got facebook. 

**Stan** \- There’s a young girl in the office who asked me if you two are relationship goals in real life as well. I asked what she meant. 

**Richie** \- And what was your answer?

 **Stan** \- That you fight all the time, like to annoy each other and don’t agree on anything other than your love for Whitney Houston and that both of you complain about the other non-stop and have done since you were kids. That you’re the most annoying couple I have ever meet, ever. But you are more in love than anyone else and are the best couple that I know. 

**Eddie** \- Well, that’s the answer to that. Thanks Stan. 

**Stan** \- You’re welcome. I could do less with the complaining about each other to me of course. 

**Bill** \- Same. 

**Richie** \- We’re not that bad. 

[Both Stan and Bill look directly into the camera]

 **Eddie** \- Eddie Kasprak real name? Edward Frank Kasprak. 

**Richie** \- Edward Frank Tozier just has such a nice ring to it. 

**Eddie** \- Richard Oliver Kasprak.

 **Stan** \- Not this again. Keep going, Eddie.

 **Eddie** \- Eddie Kasprak shirtless. What the fuck? 

**Richie** \- That’s just my search history.

 **Bill** \- Do you not see Eddie shirtless in real life? You live together? 

**Richie** \- We both have to travel for work and sometimes I wanna see my boo. Shirtless. That is not a crime and we all know it. 

**Eddie** \- Only Richie is allowed to google that. 

**Richie** \- Thanks, babe. 

**Stan** \- Shut up. 

[A board is handed to Stan]

 **Richie** \- It is nice though, that there are shirtless pictures of you on google. 

**Bill** \- Why are there? 

**Eddie** \- We were at the beach and paparazzi took photos. 

**Richie** \- It was the only time I have ever gotten Eddie to come to the beach with me and they ruined it! 

**Stan** \- How sad. 

**Bill** \- Moving on. Bill Denbrough net worth? No idea, Stan, you’re my accountant, how much do I have?

 **Stan** \- A lot more than I do. 

**Richie** \- Aren’t you worried that Stan’s going to steal money from you? 

**Bill** \- Not in the slightest. He’s also you’re accountant as well. 

**Stan** \- Even if I did, you’d have no idea. 

**Richie** \- Well now I’m worried. 

**Eddie** \- You’re not rich enough to be worried. 

**Richie** \- Says the man who moved in with me.

 **Eddie** \- Only because I had no other option, Ben and Bev were my first choice but -

 **Richie** \- they fuck all the time. It’d be really awkward for you. I get it. 

**Eddie** \- Stan, can I move in with you and Patty? I promise I won’t let Richie come near us. 

**Stan** \- Yeah, that’s fine. 

**Richie** \- I would stand on your boundary line twenty-four seven and just cry for Eds. 

**Eddie** \- That would mean you were disturbing the peace and I would absolutely call the police on you. 

**Stan** \- Well, I don’t want to see a minute of it so you can’t stay with me anymore. 

**Bill** \- Don’t even ask. 

**Eddie** \- Looks like I’m staying with you then, Rich. 

**Richie** \- Fucking good. Anyway, where were we? Oh, Bill is rich. I am Richie. Continue. 

**Stan** \- That was a really bad joke. 

**Richie** \- Thank you. 

**Bill** \- Next! Bill Denbrough brother. [All four of them stop smiling]. My brother, Georgie, was murdered when he was six and we were eleven. I love him and I miss him a lot but it’s been a long time and I’ve worked through the feelings that I had because of it. I didn't realize this until very recently but I have a character with some form of the name George in all of my books. One of the heroes is called Georgie in my first big work. Audra said that it was Georgie, that he made it go big. 

**Stan** \- That is very sweet. 

**Bill** \- Thank you. 

**Eddie** \- Bill was the best big brother. 

**Richie** \- He really was. And Georgie was the coolest kid ever. 

**Bill** \- Yeah, he was. Bill Denbrough wife. Audra Phillips, I love her dearly. We’ve been married for almost ten years now. She’s an amazing and talented actress. She also likes Richie for reasons unknown. 

**Richie** \- I’m a hit with the ladies. My turn! [A board is handed to Richie at the same time as Bill hands his away. Richie hits Bill’s board with his]. Richie Tozier breakdown. Great way to start! Yes, I had a breakdown, I ran away, I came back gay. 

**Eddie** \- That rhymed. 

**Richie** \- I know, I’ve been waiting to say it for ages. 

**Stan** \- Congrats on finally getting the opportunity to say something unfunny that rhymed.

 **Richie** \- Thank you. But yeah, I did have one and it’s on Youtube so go and watch it. I don’t like calling it a breakdown. 

**Bill** \- What do you call it? 

**Eddie** \- His diva moment. 

**Richie** \- My diva mo- yeah. Eds, you’re so sweet. 

**Eddie** \- It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Diva moment [he rolls his eyes]. 

**Richie** \- The sweetest. Richie Tozier gay? Eddie, want to take it? 

**Eddie** \- He’s gay. 

**Richie** \- It’s so weird having other people know. But I would come out to everyone if it meant that I got to cuddle Eddie. 

**Stan** \- You cuddled Eddie all the time before you came out. 

**Richie** \- No?

 **Bill** \- One time you pinned Eddie against my sofa so that you could cuddle him. 

**Richie** \- No proof at all. 

[Bill takes out his phone and types something]

 **Bill** \- Let’s see what the other losers say. 

**Eddie** \- He did do it, but I was very much into it. 

**Richie** \- Can’t believe our friends are kink-shaming us Eds. 

**Eddie** \- I take it back. I hate you. 

**Stan** \- So do I. 

**Bill** \- [Reading off his phone] Bev said that she remembers you holding Eddie on your lap at her house when we weren’t there once while Eddie, and I quote, wiggled like a worm. Mike says that he remembers you pinning Eddie down and Ben says that you did it in the hammock as well. 

**Richie** \- I am starting to see how you guys knew that I was into Eds. 

**Eddie** \- Jesus you really held me a lot, didn’t you? 

**Richie** \- Yeah. Makes sense. 

**Stan** \- That’s how you pretended to not be into him? By constantly holding him, kissing him on the cheek, calling him cute and ‘my love’. How is that -

 **Richie** \- Stan you’re being homophobic leave me alone. I’m going to get my fans to cancel you. 

**Stan** \- You’re three fans are going to cancel me? Someone who isn’t famous. 

**Richie** \- Moving on. Richie Tozier Eddie. What a dream this is. Eddie is my soon to be husband. 

**Bill** \- They’re not engaged. 

**Richie** \- We will be. Who’s next? [A board is handed to him. He throws his up and behind him]. This one is about the Losers club. What is the Losers Club? 

**Bill** \- Originally us. 

**Stan** \- Then the betters came. 

**Richie** \- Rude. 

**Eddie** \- It was our friend group at school. The four of us, Bev, Ben and Mike but Mike didn’t go to school. We’re still friends, despite what you’ve seen today. 

**Richie** \- Besties for life! Fuck yeah. 

**Stan** \- We were all bullied, hence the term Losers. 

**Bill** \- We got called it a lot. 

**Eddie** \- School was so fun, miss it! 

**Richie** \- You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to that fucking place. 

**Stan** \- But stay in school. 

**Richie** \- Yeah, don’t drop out or whatever. Eds, wanna do the next one? 

**Eddie** \- Sure. Losers Club bully. Tough one. Our main bully was Henry Bowers who, when were eleven and he was like sixteen because he was held back, killed a lot of children and then his dad. 

**Stan** \- Great guy. 

**Bill** \- Got along well with him. 

**Richie** \- But don’t forget about his sidekicks! Love them as well. Patrick, he went missing so Henry probably killed him. And then there was Belch and Vic. All of them were crazy and loved to fuck with us. 

**Eddie** \- He also stabbed me only a few months ago. 

**Stan** \- Again, great guy. 

**Bill** \- We don’t really talk about them. Easier to forget. 

**Eddie** \- Forgetting is something we’re good at. [All of them laugh] Stan, you want to go next? 

**Stan** \- Love to. Loser Club famous. Yes, some of the Loser club members are famous. I am not. 

**Eddie** \- Neither! [They high five] Shout out, Mike. 

**Richie** \- The rest of us, however, do have our Wikipedia pages. 

**Eddie** \- I have a Wikipedia page. 

**Bill** \- Congrats, you’re famous. 

**Richie** \- Someone make Stan and Mike a Wikipedia page, please. They deserve it. 

**Stan** \- I don’t care either way. 

**Richie** \- Make sure you put Richie Tozier as his best friend. 

**Stan** \- Suddenly I have an opinion on this. 

**Eddie** \- Mine has a sub-header of ‘gay awakening’

 **Richie** \- So does mine. It says that I had it when I was forty which is completely false as I realized I loved boys the moment I saw Eddie. 

**Bill** \- How sweet. Even though you were five.

 **Richie** \- I knew. Anyway, I’m famous. Bill, last question, please? 

**Bill** \- Who is in the Losers Club? 

**Eddie** \- There’s seven of us. 

**Stan** \- We’ve kind of already answered this one. 

**Richie** \- Eddie Spaghetti -

 **Eddie** \- Oh good.

 **Richie** \- Shut up. Then we have Big Bill, Stanley the Manley, Haystack or Benny, Mikey and then Molly Ringwald, or Mrs Marsh.

 **Bill** \- And of course 

**Bill, Eddie and Stan** \- Trashmouth. 

**Richie** \- That’s me. 

**Bill** \- I’m Bill Denbrough. 

**Stan** \- I’m Stan Uris. 

**Eddie** \- I’m Eddie Tozier. 

**Richie** \- And I am Richie Kaspbrak! 

**Eddie** \- This has been our Wired Autocomplete interview. 

**Stan** \- Hopefully you learnt something about us. 

**Bill** \- Watch Dark Rapids, in cinemas this Summer. 

**Richie** \- And stream Richie Tozier: Coming Clean on Netflix now. Man, we nailed that interview. Well done us. 

**Eddie** \- So modest. 

**Richie** \- At least I wasn’t taking all the credit like Bill would have done. 

**Bill** \- Hey! 

**Stan** \- Yeah, that’s not fair, Richie. And anyway, we all know that I carried that whole interview alone. 

[Cut to finial card with pop up for the last interview after Richie gasps dramatically and Stan grins at the camera while Bill and Eddie laugh]

**Author's Note:**

> [Playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2wzUwg4KMMH9v0ulMCuTex?si=-SHwjn0MQcOvQ4XaQRCqfA)
> 
> Time for a shameless self-promo! 
> 
> [My Reddie + It Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/edtozier89)  
> [My Writing Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fanfictionwriter101)  
> 


End file.
